you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
