Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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