I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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