Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize