We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
