Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
