i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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