if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
