I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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