hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
It was confusing and full of hummus
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
