he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Let's get the cat blown out
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
