im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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