Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
