Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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