you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
