Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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