So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize