I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
