Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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