I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
