If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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