my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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