have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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