We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
