I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
