My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
