Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She told me I should be a condom model.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
