I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Randomize
