Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
