Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Houston, we have a blender
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
