I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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