i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Randomize
