if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Randomize
