I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
