All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
