I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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