I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
