i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Randomize
