She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
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