I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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