from now on my penis is your penis
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
