i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
