is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
