how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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