there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
