So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
of course. lets lasso hookers.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
