I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize