my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Michael Bay diarrhea
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
