I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
