I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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