there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
