so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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