Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
