I met the friendliest cop last night
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
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