I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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