I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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