i need an iv and a liver transplant
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Randomize
