wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
