??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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