i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Terrible idea I love it
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
