hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
