I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
