im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
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