I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just found puke in my bra..
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
