a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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