My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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