she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
