In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
