I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
