Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
