I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
